Prick Up Your Ears Sirius?
by Property of Sirius Black
Summary: The summer before Harry's fifth year Sirius must give him "the talk" because Remus can't. Sirius is an for an outrageous surprise when he learns he may be too late. An old fashion tale of miscommunication and innuendo. Please read and Enjoy!


I wanted to do a story with an extended innuendo for a while. I did this one specifically because the people of seem to love these "the talk" stories. Only my second story, don't shoot me.

***Disclaimer - - I do not own Harry Potter! I don't own Sirius either, he owns me.

* * *

"Fuck my life." Remus Lupin muttered continuously to himself as he entered the dining room of 12 Grimmauld Place in search of his best friend Sirius Black. He had undoubtedly tried to do it himself, TWICE, but it was just not meant to be. The Dogfather would have to do it. It should have been his duty to begin with. Playboy Black should easily be able to teach Harry about the quills and inkwells.

After exactly six minutes too many of searching for him, Remus located Sirius in the downstairs library nursing a glass of scotch. "Remy do you remember the time I…" Remus shook his head and cut right to it. He had no time to make Sirius feel better by revisiting the past for the umpteenth time. "Go talk to Harry." Sirius's face screwed up in confusion. "Huh?"

"I just cannot do. Believe me I've tried! I go to his room or approach him in the living room and try to lay it out to but the words get stuck in my throat and work their way to my fucking intestines and eventually form into the brick I end up shitting." Remus yanked his hand roughly through his mousey brown locks. He threw himself into the armchair opposite Sirius's. "It's that bloody face! You look at it and you think of how innocent and awkward he is, and then comes the guilt about the fact that he had no father to talk to him about sex ages ago." Remus grinned falsely. "Then comes the fun part where Hermione or Ron walks in and sees you acting stranger than a bunny licking its own arse."

Sirius nodded quietly it was obvious that Remus wanted to vent and he would damn well grant him that. After all, it gave him time to think. By the sounds of it, old Remy wanted him to teach Harry about the female anatomy, something he was well-versed in. No problem. He laughs internally as he watches Remus continue his tirade. It was obvious that Remus just sucked at potentially awkward situations. Harry needed a cool, sexy, teacher and he was Sirius. Not serious like Remy's "time-of-the-month". No he was fun and wild but his name was Sirius. Yeah, he'd have Harry getting girls in no time.

"Hey Harry," Sirius said as he walked into Harry and Ron's room. The kids looked up from their game at the tall man's form filling the doorway.

"Hey."

"What's up?"

"Howdy!" All of the guys turned to stare strangely at Hermione. She huffed and muttered about Shania Twain. "Did you want to join us Sirius?"

"Nope" he said "just need to borrow Harry for a minute." He looked around the room taking in its lack of rudy-dudy posters or a poorly-hidden porn stash.

"Do you want some help", the ginger asked, "cuz we wouldn't mind. There's nothing to do in this dumb house anyway."

"No I would just like to see my godson for a moment."

"Okay if you need us just call." Ron nodded in agreement with Hermione's words.

_Leechy bastards, _Sirius thought. It's not that he didn't like them but he never really got alone time with Harry and Harry never got time to himself.

* * *

He led Harry into the study and settled back in his favorite chair. Harry sat in the chair previously occupied by Remus. _How should I start? _Sirius questioned himself. Harry would need to be eased into it and would definitely need gentle terms. He would tell Harry about making love to the love of his life, NOT how to fuck a good piece of pussy.

"Harry it's come to my attention that you should take about these urges you've been having before they get you into you very serious trouble."

"Urges?"

"Yes, Harry urges. They are perfectly understandable but they must be controlled."

_Ohhhhhhhh._ Sirius wanted to talk about Harry's crazy save-the-world urges, the urges that put him and his friends in danger all the time. He didn't want to talk about them because he feared being chastised more but he understood that his Dogfather wanted him to be safe.

"Tell me about the first time you felt the strange urges."

"Do I have to? I really don't want to." Harry frowned at his lap. He knew it was crazy for him to act like captain-save-a-hoe but really he couldn't help it.

"Yes."

"Er…."

"OK then…just who, where, when, and what it was like." Sirius realized he didn't need a play by play but he needed most of the details.

"Well it was with Malfoy first year, out in the castle grounds." He pondered the last question. "Well I suppose it was alright. It was difficult. Malfoy had the unfair advantage he was much more comfortable using his broomstick. His father had, had a professional teach him. But, I think I did better than most would at that age. I mean I could have handled things better but my broomstick was acting really wonky, I didn't have much of an idea how to use it at the time but that was okay. My anger made up for it, it really pushed me to teach Malfoy a lesson. As a fact of fact, I change my mind it was great. I didn't even get nervous using my broomstick for the first time with an audience. I was exceptional, McGonagall sure thought so." Harry smiled brightly now fully engrossed in the memory.

It was because of that fact that he did not notice any of the Sirius's reactions to his words. His godson cherished losing his virginity to Malfoy during angry monkey sex? In public? At age 12? Harry had taken him on a roller coaster of emotions. He was shocked then mad then disgusted but proud and happy and finally a little jealous that Harry might have had sex 2 years before he did.

He couldn't fathom how his godson could have lost his virginity to Malfoy of all people. A male Malfoy. Yuck! Had he at least topped first? Sirius was too afraid to ask. _Shit!_ He was 3 years too late to talk to Harry.

But what Harry was saying couldn't be true. Sex as a first year? With Malfoy, Sirius's crazy flesh and blood? With people watching, one of which was Minerva? How the hell that could possibly be a FOND memory of Harry's was beyond his comprehension. At least Harry's zoning out gave him much needed minutes to recover.

"How about you tell me about another time you really cherish?" Hopefully this one would not make Sirius want to throw up and obliviate himself. He was weary of Harry's eminent words. He feared he may have a heart attack. He needed some goblin whiskey.

Harry was pulled back to the present by his Godfather's request. He barely hesitated before he complied. "Well another time I was with Hermione and Ron in the girls' loo later that year on Halloween." He watched Sirius toss back the rest of his glass of whiskey.

Sirius's jaw dropped. "Hermione AND Ron?"

"Yeah it would have just been me and Hermione had I not forced Ron to help me out. I mean he didn't do much but Hermione and I were both glad he was there. He threw in some moves that changed everything and earned my respect for life." Harry's mind was floating again. Smiling he said, "I would have never thought to use my wand that way. So gross. Effective but gross. Ron really showed that troll who was boss", he laughed, "just shoved his wand up in there as far as it would go. For all of his hesitancy, Ron was brave that night. That night really cemented our friendship you know." He grinned lop-sidedly.

"I bet it did." Sirius shook his head. This was TOO much to deal with without being properly pissed. "I'll be right back Harry." He needed all the alcohol in the house in order to finish that conversation.


End file.
